Engineer Jokes

Parking in Dublin

Before going to London, an Engineer drove his Rolls Royce to a Dublin city bank and went in to ask for a loan of €1,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce ", the Engineer said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's car park for safe keeping, and gave him €1,000. Two weeks later, the Engineer walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle his loan and get his car back. "That will be €1,000 in principal and €4.25 in interest", the loan officer said. The engineer wrote a cheque and started to walk away. "Wait Sir", the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow €1,000" ? The Engineer smiled and said, "Where else could I safely park my Rolls Royce in Dublin for two weeks and only pay €4.25 !

There was an Engineer who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did !

An Engineer, Doc Faraday, made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5.15 p.m. One afternoon as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The Doc came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri". No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc". !

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two engineers. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book ; the other was typing away on his computer. The lion quickly pounced on the engineer reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp !

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket" asks the accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed that it was a very clever idea. So, after the conference the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save money (being clever with money and all that !). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answers an engineer. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please" !!

An Architect and an Engineer were asked to measure the height of a flag pole. The Architect takes his measure tape and begins to shinny up the pole. After some slipping and sliding, he gives up. The Engineer being very intelligent as all Engineers are, walks over to the pole, turns the crank and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground. The Engineer stretches out his tape measure, cranks the pole back up and says to the Architect, "It's 15 metres". The Architect scratches his head and says, "A typical engineer, he's asked for the height and he gives you the length" !

A Doctor, a Minister and an Engineer were playing golf. They are continually held up by the group ahead of them. In frustration they turn to the Club Pro. He tells them that the group playing so slowly are blind firemen. They saved the Club House from total destruction in a horrendous fire, and lost their eye sight. The Club felt such a debt of gratitude that it allows them to play whenever they want. The Doctor says, "I think that perhaps I could find an eye surgeon who could restore their sight. That would speed up play". The Minister says, "I'll pray to God for a miracle to restore their sight so play can speed up". The Engineer says, "Why don't you have them play at night ?" !

One day a farmer called up a Mathematician, a Physicist, and an Engineer and asked them to fence off the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The Mathematician made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The Physicist made a long straight line and proclaimed, "We can assume that the length is infinite...." and pointed out that fencing off half of the earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Engineer just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said," I declare myself to be on the outside" !

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was outstanding and they got to talking about their vacations.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How DO you start a flood?"

Question: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Answer: Mechanical Engineers design weapons, Civil Engineers design targets.











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